Positivity in Parenting

The last two weeks or so I have been bombarded with a lot of negativity towards being a parent, particularly a mother. It has really hurt my heart and caused me a lot of sadness. So, I put it out there that I was looking for some positivity. I asked: What their favorite thing about being a mom was? OR, what was their favorite mommy moment? and I got some great responses. Many different moms, mothers of adult children, mothers of babies and toddlers, older moms, younger moms, grandmas. It was lovely. So, here world I'm going to throw you some positivity! I know there are definitely times I need it.

-The moment you go into your baby's room after they have woken up, the huge grin that spreads across their face when they notice it is you, mommy!

(I thought I'd add some pictures, just cause she is so sweet.)

-That triumphant moment when you successfully transfer clothes from the washer to the dryer using only your toes.

-My favorite thing changes all the time but right now my favorite thing is when Lars puts his lips into a kiss shape and goes "mmmmma" while leaning forward to kiss me. This usually is followed by a hug. Makes me feel so loved.

-When your child does something for the first time and they are so excited.

-I have many favorite moments but one has to be acting in The Sound of Music with all three girls. I was Marie and they were three of the Von Trapp Children. That was in 2000.

-I love the raw honesty in the things kids say and their wonderful observations about the world around them. if only we could bottle that up and keep it forever.

-I love going into their rooms at night, before I go to bed, and just watching them sleep. So peaceful and beautiful. Gives me a moment to reflect on how blessed I am.

-My favorite thing is the sound of her giggle. I love that I can make her laugh.

-I realize now that it is wonderful to have children who love me and are looking after my needs. I am glad I had them.

-My favorite thing at the moment...listening to my 2.5 year old talk I love his voice and hearing new words he learns; and when my 2 month old looks at me and smiles...best thing in the world!!

-Favorite thing, hugs whenever you want them, and the more kids you have the more hugs you get! Favorite moment? Every single one of those hugs.

-When I see my older kids being kind and respectful to each other/themselves/others I feel intensely happy about who they are becoming.

-I love seeing their perspective on the world. Recently, Heidi & Avery learned the song "The B-I-B-L-E" but Heidi changed the words to, "I stand up tall to hear the word of God." Which makes way more sense then, "I stand alone on the word of God," in her opinion.
Oh, and the baby smiles, they are the best.

-I am never good with picking favorites of any kind. I tell you some things that I love and loved. I loved the awareness when pregnant, that an individual, a stranger if you will, was growing sheltered and safe inside me and that the rest of my life would be spent getting to know this person and watching them become. I loved holding my child for the first time, and even more, seeing their daddy hold them. I love/loved those moments when as a couple, you share that oneness and pride/joy as you revel in your infant or grown child. I loved feeding kids food they love.

-I loved heating their towels in the dryer and wrapping them in them after a bath. I loved their clean rosy little faces after bath.

-I love going camping and adventures with them. I love taking them to the cabin in Salmon Arm. 

-I love meeting their different friends as they grew older and having them over. I loved watching them grow up, watching their faith and personalities develop.

-My favorite thing about being a mom is to see how both my babies grew into kind, compassionate happy adults.

We all have those moments where we get bogged down in negativity, in those moments it is nice to have things to look back on, those moments that lift our spirit. If we see things more positively difficult moments seem less difficult. Living in the moments, and being able to stay positive in the hard times makes for a happier me, happier Isla, and all together happier environment. I know that these moments and thoughts help me to have a more positive outlook. How about you? What are some of your favorite mommy moments?

Truth.

Yesterday. I was sitting in a group of women, completely dazed and rather hazy as the sleep deprivation was settling in. I turned to my friend and smiled, then she asked, "How are you doing?" sympathetically, as she picks up on my cues before I do sometimes and....I started to cry.

Truth. I am broken. I am exhausted. I am tired of being tired. I am NOT enough.

So often I've heard things like, "God wont give you more than you can handle." I think that is absurd. So often we are given more than we can handle and we have to humbly let go and ask him, and others, for help. So, yesterday I cried. I knew I wasn't enough. I looked into my sweet, sometimes stubborn, little girls eyes and knew that I couldn't be enough, and that is okay.

It is okay that my house is sometimes a disaster, that sandwiches are sometimes all I have to offer, that dinner isn't always ready at 5:00 and most often we eat around 6:45. I don't have to be perfect and trying to be is just too draining. Asking people for help is something that becomes necessary. So, after having a good cry and telling my friend how my once easy, sleep through the night baby had been rather hard and thought sleeping through the night was for chumps, I went home and talked to be hubby and told him I needed a break. We talked things through, and figured things out, and last night....my Isla decided to go to bed without a fuss and only woke up twice during the night.

Sometimes we need to confess we are broken, that we don't have it all figured out, and we are freed and lifted up and encouraged. And, as my friend said it, "You are now part of the mommy club." Thank God I am broken. Also, sometimes all you need is a good cry and a good friend. 

Giving Thanks.

I have grown up in a place where I always have so much to be thankful for, this year is no exception. I live a charmed life and God has poured his blessings on me, not to say we don't have heart-ache (we do) but, his blessings far outweigh the strife and struggles.

This year I am thankful for my amazing husband. He is such an amazing man, he loves me through and through. His love for our daughter is amazing. Watching him love on our child is the closest I have ever been to heaven. It truly shows me how remarkable we must be loved by our father God. He plays with her, he laughs with me, he fills my life with such love and fun. I am pleased to be able to call my husband and partner in parenting. I am thankful that I am his wife and he is my husband.

I am thankful for my daughter. That God blessed us with a child that we may teach and help her prosper and grow, and by doing so we too will prosper and grow. I am thankful that she is such a happy and content child, that she loves playing, lives for a good laugh, and enjoys people and snuggling up close to me. I am thankful that she is healthy, and that I too am healthy and have recovered from pregnancy easily without any issues.

I am thankful for her giggles, her smile, her growls, and pretty much at the sounds that come out of her. I am thankful for her curiosity, and her cleverness; I love that she excitedly learns and looks forward to trying new things. I am thankful that she is so very social and loves attention from those around her, and demands it if she isn't given it.

(the oh-so necessary photo of Isla) 

I am thankful for our amazing family. That they are so loving and supportive. That they care for us and lift us up in prayer regularly. That we were both given a loving childhood, and grew up knowing a loving God. I am thankful for the opportunity I had to be an individual and was not forced to do things because it was the "norm". I am thankful that both Ben and I had mom's and dad's that set a good example of parenthood and marriage. We are truly blessed.

I am thankful for our community. We have an amazing group of friends around us, who have essentially become family. They are fun, and full of love. They have loved on us, and on our Isla. They have opened up their home, and hearts to us. They pray for us, and listen to us, and they care about us. I am so very thankful that we have such amazing love surrounding our little family.

I am thankful that we have an amazing God that has showered us with love. We have been so blessed and I am in awe of how he has showed us how much he loves us. He has taken care of us and I am constantly thrown by how much he does for us.

What an amazing year it has been, so very filled with blessings. So much to be thankful for.

Wordless Wednesday.

6 Months.

Yesterday Isla turned six months old.

She thinks it is pretty funny. We think it has come way to quickly.She brings us so much joy and is so full of joy. We are happy, even on the days where she is teething and we are all a little tired.

I look through photos and see how much she has grown already and it is unbelievable, when you are there with her everyday there are times where you see great progress and growth and learning;other times you look back and you see something that happen so slowly that she has accomplished, but you didn't even really realize it was happening. Life is an amazing thing and watching a life you created grow is so remarkable, God truly is amazing. We look forward to seeing her grow and watching the little person she becomes.

Who is Isla, well here is a brief description of some of who she is and what she likes at 6 Months: She loves Rocco the cat, or any cat really. She loves playing "Where is Isla?" A.K.A Peek-a-boo. She knows when a camera is pointed at her and puts on a sweet little smile or act just for it. It is sweet. She is so sweet. She loves her soother but, if need be will use her thumb. She would be completely naked all the time if she could be. She is not to fond of tummy time, but is finding it a little more tolerable as of late. She likes pulling mom's hair, clothes, especially when nursing. She prefers sleeping on her right side, and if you don't put something in her hands when you are putting her to bed she is very likely to pull out her soother and then cry when she can't find it. She laughs easily, which makes many people VERY happy. She talks a LOT. If she wants your attention she will squawk until she gets it, she is very social. If she is feeling shy she will nuzzle into mommy's chest, which mommy things is the cutest. Above all she is loved so very completely. She is loved by an amazing father who just can't get enough of her. She is loved by a heavenly father who made her perfectly her.

Isla is asleep as I write this.

The months have been whizzing by and I find myself dragging my feet in hopes that it will slow down. I have had no luck. Isla's first tooth popped last week as we were vacationing. I was happy we were with family because in the morning I was able to hand off my little child to my mom as I stumbled back to bed after a chaotic night of feedings every hour and crying inconsolably. I got two hours of uninterrupted sleep, it was heaven.

I sometimes feel guilty as a parent as she plays quietly on the floor and I go about my usual internet check - facebook, blogs, pinterest - should I be laying there beside her. Sometimes I put the computer down and go sit beside her look at here and watch her as she plays, sometimes I don't. Being a parent comes with a tremendous amount of guilt, you want to always do the right thing. But, we don't always know what the right thing is. Sometimes laying down on the floor beside her, watching her play and joining in when she gives me the opportunity is the right thing, sometimes it isn't. Sometimes it is okay for me to sit on the computer and let her entertain herself, sometimes it is the right thing. She needs to learn that it isn't bad to be alone, it is good to be able to play by yourself, it is good for her to find entertainment in other things besides other people. I also have to remember that it is good to be able to have an occasional mommy break and check the internet without guilt.
 
I don't want to be a helicopter parent, I want to be an engaged parent that shows genuine interest in their child but also promotes independent thought and action. I am not sure if there is a book on that, and if there is I'm not sure I'd read. I know what kind of parent I want to be so I will thrive to be that. God knows what she needs and he will give me the tools I need to parent her the way he wants me to. My job is to trust him and grow in him and pray that in doing so she will too. Right now she knows she is loved, so very loved.

Fear.

There is a lot of fear in parenting, I am really not immune. Bringing a child up in this world is not for the faint of heart, it is terrifying. Not only is this world filled with scary things, mixed up people, and difficult situations but, as a parent I am merely a human being which means I will inevitably mess up. What if I break her? Every so often when she is sleeping and before I go to bed I have to put my hand softly on her chest just to make sure she is still breathing. Yes, I can sometimes be slightly paranoid. Being responsible for the life of another wee and powerless human being is terrifying. 

That said, one can't live in fear...even when they are responsible for a whole other human being. Every evening when putting her to bed I have to trust that God will keep her safe while she sleeps. That her lungs will be strong and her body will be safe. The first month we were so cautious, Ben was so careful but, we can't tip toe around forever.

I guess what I am saying is, yes I am terrified sometimes but, I know that I'm doing my best and that for everywhere I am lacking God will be there to help me along. I wont be perfect, and she wont be perfect but we don't strive for perfection, we strive to be the best we can be, to better ourselves and improve upon ourselves. What is the point in stressing over things I have no control over anyway. I will do my best, because my best is all I can do.

We will continue doing are best and I am sure our best will get better with time but, at the moment she is thriving and we are all pretty darn happy. I have given up being anxious because it doesn't help any of us. I am sure there will be many more moments of fear but they will pass, what matters is how we react. I choose to learn from it what I can and with the rest, let it go. Hopefully as she grows I will be able to keep this mind set, I'll let you know more about fear when she is 18.


P.S. Could someone smart tell me how to get ride of that silly "image has been moved or deleted" thing at the bottom of my post? I am getting rather annoyed with it.

Carrying Isla

While pregnant, even before I was pregnant I spent hours researching and trying out a multitude of different strollers. For some reason the stroller was extremely important to me, it had to be perfect. I imagined myself strolling along with my wee babe perched perfectly in my stroller. I finally found the most perfect of strollers, a phil and teds, and was thrilled when people decided to help us purchase it. It is fantastic. It is compact and easy maneuver, it can climb over some pretty difficult terrain, yet it is pretty and glides through the mall with style. It has it's uses.

Once Isla was born though, I wanted to hold her; Don't get me wrong there are times that a stroller is easier, more useful, but the way I wanted to nurture my wee little lady was by holding her in my arms. I had wanted to be a mommy for years, I longed after it for so long that once it finally was my turn I gleamed in it. I loved being pregnant and knowing that there was a little person growing in me, she was always with me, and I didn't want that to end once she was born. It was so natural for me to carry her, her body swooned in my arms and molded like clay against my body. And so I carry her.

I wrap her little body against mine and walk with her, swaying as she envelops the world around her completely allured by the trees, the leafs, the sounds of birds singing, yet safe and close to me, mommy. She knows my sway, my gate is familiar to her, she felt it while she lived inside me. My heart beat pounding against her body is a rhythm she fell asleep to. I am her carrier.

She will only be small for a short while, someday she wont want me close, so while she does I will have her against me where I can smell her hair and breath in her breath. I will use the stroller when I need to but my baby will not be a baby for long. I am her home, and she is my heart.

Four Months

How did it happen? How did four months slip past and my tiny newborn become giggly, squirmy, bundle of baby. She is such a happy baby. Easily contented and will even smile a midst crying. She smiles with her whole body, her shoulders lifting up to her ears as if they too are grinning. She loves to play, and squeals with joy often. She holds her hands together and fiddles with her fingers. When she is tired she puts one hand in her mouth to suck on and her other hand she holds up by her ear and twirls her hair, it is the sweetest thing.

She is a rolling master now, and will roll both ways. When she can really move, it will be happy day (for her). The faces she makes melts me, she is so animated. I look forward to her waking up in the morning and seeing her smiling face. I try to breath in every moment I can with her while she is still so small. When I nurse her she pets me and pulls her fingers through my hair, cooing and smiling while looking up at me. These moments are what I want to remember. She wont be small for long, so while she is I am going to enjoy all I can. 

P.S. - If you press play on the playlist to the right the first song is Isla's favorite song. I swear Wake Owl is the baby whisperer.

Heirloom

Yesterday Isla and I had a most delightful visit with two of my Aunts and my Oma. They came by ferry to spend the day with us and deliver a most beautiful gift. While pregnant, shortly after I found out I was going to be having a wee girl, I called my Oma up with a request; My Oma does fabulous crochet pieces and I was hoping, if she had the time, she would make my wee girl a Christening gown to wear to her dedication. So my Oma found the perfect shade of yellow, and started working on my little girls gown. It was a gift that needed to be given in person, and so it was.

Isla happily modeled the beautiful gown outside as we all cooed over her. This beautiful gown although new I already think of as an Heirloom. What a perfect and precious gift for Isla made for her by her Great Oma. This is a dress that will be held in such high value because of the though and love put into it, it will be something that will be cherished and passed down to further generations. What love was stitched into this precious piece.

I am now so looking forward to finally throwing her dedication ceremony. Having our community of friends come together and celebrate her and also promise to care for her and help us raise her in a way that is pleasing to the Lord. We are so very blessed.

A Mom.

 I've started and restarted and erased and just struggled to write a post. How can I even begin to describe how amazing and life changing becoming a mom has been. Even now, almost three months later, I look at my little girl and wonder, "How is it that I am so blessed?". My life is not my own anymore, I am constantly caring for someone else and it is the best thing I have ever experienced. Yes, there are moments when it is tough but, even then I look into her eyes as she gazes up at me and I am overcome by an intense fierce love I have never known before. She is mine. So here I sit in my living room with my wee girl sleeping in her Moses basket as her favorite song plays on repeat as it helps her fall asleep. Being a mommy has been amazing.

And because words are hard for me to write...and to be honest my baby has woken up and needs me. I will leave you with some favorite pictures.

Isla's Birth Story

I woke up the morning of March 7^th feeling a little crampy but didn't think much of it as I had had contractions before, just irregular with no rhythm. It took me almost an hour before I came to the conclusion that I may be in early labour, as the contractions were coming every ten minutes or so.

Ben was still sleeping and I was smiling through every short contraction, I eventually went into the bedroom woke him up quietly and said, “I think we might have a baby today.” He smiled quite sleepily but seemed rather pleased. I went on to call my mom and let her know that I was pretty sure I was in early labour. I was very concerned about making a leap and saying I was in labour because I really didn't want for it to be false. My mom asked me a few questions and then after discussing things with me dad decided she needed to leave promptly to try and make it to my wee ones birth, a trip that usually takes almost 14 hours.

By 10 o'clock Ben was up and I was having contractions about eight minutes apart that were lasting about thirty seconds. We were getting pretty excited. I had a bath and then the contractions slowed, there was more space between them and I thought maybe I was dealing with false labour. I became pretty worried as my mom had already started on her way and I would feel so guilty if it wasn't the real thing. Ben and I went for a walk in hopes to speed things along and make things fall back into a rhythm.

We got home from our walk and Ben's mom was there shortly after us. She spent some time tidying up our wee place and then made us lunch. I sat on the couch waiting for more contractions to hit, I really wanted to feel them so that I would know they were real. It took sometime but by 4:00 we were at a place where they were consistent again, I was so relieved.

Now, I had always planned on labouring and birthing without any medical interventions but, after dealing with my contractions slowing down I was even more adamant that I wanted to feel them. I wanted to be sure that they were still happening and I was still going to have this baby. Feeling them was the most reassuring thing for me.

By 8:00 the contractions were coming every seven minutes or so and were lasting from 45 seconds to a minutes long. Ben's parents decided it was time they head home, they prayed over us and the for the safe arrival of our wee babe then headed off. We heard from my mom, she was not far off from arriving just waiting for the ferry, she would be here around 1:00am. Ben called the hospital and I soaked myself in the bath, swaying and humming myself through each contraction as it passed through my body. I had a rhythm. I wanted to labour at home as long as possible. Home was comfortable. The nurse on the phone let me know that as long as my membranes were still intact I could labour at home until my contractions were closer together. So I paced and swayed up and down the kitchen, feeling as though I was wearing a line in the floor. When a contraction hit I would lean up against the closest object and and sway back and forth.

Throughout my entire labour Ben was so in tune to my needs I hardly had to speak. He was a perfect partner holding me when I needed to be held, giving me the silence I needed to focus on the contraction and breath through it. He knew what I wanted and helped me achieve it. He was amazing.

By 11:00 my contractions were closer together and we thought it best to head up to the hospital. I was really nervous we would be sent back home or that they would stall out again, so getting me to finally say yes to going to the hospital was a task of itself. Once we got there we were directed to the perinatal unit I remember looking at Ben and just grinning, we were there!

I got checked out, and I was indeed in active labour and five centimeters dilated! The rest of my labour at this point just seemed to flow and I can't remember time or space really. I remember being asked if I wanted them to call my family doctor and being so excited to have my doctor rather than the on-call. I sat in the bath for quite sometime swaying and breathing as my nurse poured the warm water over my contracting belly. Ben was making me laugh between contractions and keeping me up to date with my mom's travels. Reading me as I asked for silence through the contractions, shushing people as I swayed and rocked as waves passed through my body bringing my wee one closer to arrival.

My mom and Auntie Vonnie finally arrived at 1:45 am, as I sat in the tub rocking back and forth. My Auntie Vonnie who once was a nurse and quickly started timing contractions. “Wow, that one was close....and a minute and a half long.”, “Lainey you hit the peak on that contraction, not much longer now.” My mom and Vonnie would make conversation and I would laugh, Ben would sit there watching me for my signals. Ben knew exactly when a contraction hit and would help remind others that I wanted quiet. I wanted silence and would “shhhhh” anyone talking to me while I was contracting.

(Auntie Vonnie said, "Lainey look and smile!" I did my best.)

Eventually, probably an hour or so later, my doctor came in and I had to move from the bath to the bed. I felt as though every step I took I contracted. My doctor did an internal and found that I was about 7 cm so we went ahead and ruptured my membranes. Things did get fairly intense and progressed quite quickly from this point on. I had initially intended to go back to the bath after this but my contractions were coming back to back and I was not wanting to walk at all, instead I waved my head from side to side breathing through each contraction as they pushed through me. Rocking my body back and forth with my head against the pillow and my backside in the air feeling the pressure knowing my body was preparing and soon my baby girl would be in my arms.

Within an hour I was fully dilated and was able to start pushing around 4:00am. I had heard that pushing was a relief, that it felt good, and was so looking forward to being able to start. I in the hour between my membranes being ruptured and my being fully dilated I had such an urge to push I was saying, “I want to push” over and over again to Ben in whispers. I said everything in whispers. Unfortunately, my little Isla was not in the most optimal position to be pushed and it made for a long 2 hours. At one point I was so done with pushing that I allowed the contractions to wave right through me, ignoring them and resting myself. My nurses and doctor didn't realizing this and thought I had stopped contracting, they started discussing the idea of putting me pitocin, luckily my mom advocated for me as I wasn't very coherent at this time and pleaded with them to just give me a little more time. The threat of having medical intervention was all I needed and within the hour my little girl was born.

(letting some contractions pass through me as I recoup.)

The moment they placed her perfect little body on my chest was bliss. Her cry was music to my ears and then the perfect calm as she curled up against me making me whole. She was mine. After carrying and nurturing her inside me and nearly 24 hours of labour she was finally in my arms, and I was completely and entirely in love.

Arrival

I could write a lot right now but, I wont. I will save that for another time, when I have more time. You see my little baby has arrived and she will be needing me quite soon for a feeding. So until I have more time I will leave you with an introduction. 

Meet our wee little lady.

Isla Elizabeth Helene.
Island of God's Oath and bright shining light

Born on March 8 at 5:53.
Weight: 7lbs 6oz
Height: 19 and a quarter inches long

We are in love.

Weather.

The house is still and silent. My cat softly sighs as she sleeps and my husband is napping in our room. I woke up but a half hour ago from a nap myself. It is just one of those afternoons.

The day has turned. This morning was dark with heavy rain clouds threatening to rain on our day then breaking and pouring out heavy rain drops. Rain bounced off of the wood on our back porch, trying to get into our little blue house. Now the sky has changed, the rain has stopped and soft white clouds dance in the blue sky. The wood of my fence still soaked from the events of earlier today, what a contrast to the sky. Rain begs you to slow down, stay inside, turn up the heat and cuddle. We were so busy though.

Ben had arranged a bottle drive today so that some of our local teens can go to camp, it is something that takes up your whole morning and afterwards he is spent. I had some errands to run myself as I continue to prepare for the arrival of my wee child. I gave myself some time to bathe but was busy otherwise.

Now that the sun is out our house is silent. I am wishing for the opposite. I may have to go for walk and pick up some groceries for dinner, I need to do something and enjoy this light.

Celebrating the Belly.

Time has really started to fly by and impending birth of this wee child is becoming more and more real. I occasionally wake up and am surprised by this huge bump taking over my body, as if it weren't there the day before. I am so obviously pregnant that people ask me when the baby is coming and look at me sympathetically, soon enough, this last part is tough. I smile because, although I am extremely uncomfortable and feeling HUGE, my baby will be here soon! I have heard that the end needs to be uncomfortable otherwise there would be no urgency in getting the baby out. In the end we are willing to go through the pain of labour in order to feel comfortable again, the short term pain for the long term gain. I am there.

My body is ripe with child and my skin rolls as the child finds comfort inside me. My body has done well taking care of this growing babe, swelling to make space. As much as I am trying to enjoy every moment I have left with the wee one inside me I so look forward to holding it in my arms as opposed to my belly. I am sure I will miss the kicks and hiccups but, at the moment the discomfort makes me crave cradling my wee one as it's body contours to mine finding comfort against me.

The one thing I have enjoyed so much about being pregnant, besides the wee kicks and the fact that there is a little human being growing inside me, is dressing the bump. I love the fact that women are now celebrating the bump, wearing fitted clothes that show off the fact that they are carrying a child. We should celebrate our bodies as they preform this amazing, almost miraculous,  task of growing and nurturing a wee human being. Not only are we wearing things that celebrate the bump but there is maternity photography, belly painting, belly casting, and so many other things out there that encourage us to embrace this fantastic moment in our lives. How marvelous to be part of this era where we can still wear skinny jeans and cute tops and aren't forced into wearing muumuu dresses and baggy shirts. I love that my child will be look back at photos and see a growing bump that know that it was them.

So, even though I am uncomfortable, even though I am stretched to my max, and even though I would love to hold my wee child in my arms today, I am going to celebrate these last few moments of pregnancy. You only get to experience it a few times in a lifetime, if that.

Three Years.

I have always enjoyed writing. It has been something I've been passionate about since I was young. I had journals half filled and filed away with memories of from my young mind. I turn red reading them now, embarrassed by my boy crazy ways and my horrible spelling. Little hearts and doodles in the margins as I thought up ideas. I loved writing poems, and actually was quite good at it. I remember handing in a stack of poems to my grade 10 english teacher, Mr. Robertson, because I couldn't pick one; I got an 110% on that assignment, he gave me bonus marks. I am an emotional person with a flare for the romantics so poems and I got along swimmingly. My heart would pour onto a page as my hand swept over the paper. Never erasing just putting black lines through words as I perfected my rhythm. It was a source of comfort and occasionally a way to validate my feelings and understand what my heart was going through as my head hadn't quite caught up. Words were my escape as well as my source of defining my reality. Words allowed me to understand what I was dealing with then let me move past it. Words were the reason I started this blog, although I wont lie that I still prefer the feeling of putting pencil to paper - it just feels more real, more substantial. 

Now, three years have passed and this little blog is filled with words. Thoughts I have poured onto pages and openly shared with the world. My fingers hit the keyboard with purpose as I find the words and build them into sentences that reflect me. I do erase, I do occasionally write and then save and never post, I don't have the anonymity I once had and so my words have to be crafted carefully. I don't censor myself too much but there are things I wont post about, that doesn't mean they aren't written and filed away though. This blog has become a journal of my life. Something that documents my life and files memories away in hopes that I don't lose them. I may someday look back and read posts and turn a little red, but that is because my life has progressed passed that point and I now see things much more clearly. There are also things that I read and look back on and remember how far we've come and how happy I have documented those old memories. How great it is to remember. 

So here's to the words. Here's to the memories, the pages of thoughts that have poured out from my inner most being. Here's to the rhythm in my words that are a reflection of my heart, beating away on the keyboard as they are made into a memory. Happy three years little blog. Thanks for letting me share my words.

Full Term

How fast time flies. In just a few short weeks I'll be meeting you my wee child. I am so looking forward to it. I have dreams about holding you, then I wake up and realize that you are still growing inside me. I am trying to enjoy these last few weeks of pregnancy but I feel this tug inside me calling, willing, hoping you arrive soon my sweet.

Mommy Loves You.

An Ode To The Quiet Morning

My husband is snoring in the other room. I am up early, it seems this little one growing inside me has a different perception of what time it is and thought that the perfect moment to wake up mom was 5:30. I do enjoy quiet mornings like this. Listening to the lights buzz as they tell the world they are awake.

A pot is simmering on the stove slowly making me my breakfast. A hardy breakfast does me good, keeps my crazy appetite at bay for a good chunk of the day.

Rocco peacefully purrs beside me as I pet her, so easily content and happy to have someone awake with her. Her almost soundless pitter patter follows me around the house as I get ready for the day, as to make sure I wont disappear. Occasionally she sits at the bedroom door letting out a soft mew hoping Ben will soon accompany us in our morning routine.

I watch as the world slowly wakes up around me. Neighbors begin to turn on their lights, the black of the night slowly melts away allowing the dewy blue of the morning to take its place and  cars start to pull onto the road as their passengers begin their journey to work.

I look forward to sharing the morning with my wee one. Curling up together in my hammock during a summer morning, nursing the wee one as the rest of the world wakes up around us. My beloved mornings, I look forward to sharing you.

February 3rd 2013

My Dear Child,

Oh how time flies. Here we are five weeks away from your due date. I am excitedly awaiting your arrival. I am so looking forward to meeting you and holding you and watching your dad cradle you in his strong arms. I just can't wait yet, at the same time, I wish time would slow down. I feel like I have oh so much to do before you are here. I remember thinking at the beginning how far away March 10th was, and here we are with just over a month to go and I feel like I have NOTHING done. Your room is filled with boxes and bins that have to be moved to your dad's new office, your crib has to be sanded and painted, we have yet to attend one birthing class, and there are so many items we just don't have yet. I keep trying to remind myself that all that really matters is that we love you and that you don't really care about all the things as long as you are feed and taken care of, which we can do. 

Daddy is going overnight tomorrow to do some stuff for practicum and then, when he gets back, he is going to move into his office and we will start on the nursery. I've been working on getting some stuff I need to pack in the hospital bag. Hopefully by next Sunday we will have the hospital bags ready and your room more or less set up. Then, I think I will be able to breath. 

Can't wait to meet you,

               Mommy Loves you.