The months have been whizzing by and I find myself dragging my feet in hopes that it will slow down. I have had no luck. Isla's first tooth popped last week as we were vacationing. I was happy we were with family because in the morning I was able to hand off my little child to my mom as I stumbled back to bed after a chaotic night of feedings every hour and crying inconsolably. I got two hours of uninterrupted sleep, it was heaven.
I sometimes feel guilty as a parent as she plays quietly on the floor and I go about my usual internet check - facebook, blogs, pinterest - should I be laying there beside her. Sometimes I put the computer down and go sit beside her look at here and watch her as she plays, sometimes I don't. Being a parent comes with a tremendous amount of guilt, you want to always do the right thing. But, we don't always know what the right thing is. Sometimes laying down on the floor beside her, watching her play and joining in when she gives me the opportunity is the right thing, sometimes it isn't. Sometimes it is okay for me to sit on the computer and let her entertain herself, sometimes it is the right thing. She needs to learn that it isn't bad to be alone, it is good to be able to play by yourself, it is good for her to find entertainment in other things besides other people. I also have to remember that it is good to be able to have an occasional mommy break and check the internet without guilt.
I don't want to be a helicopter parent, I want to be an engaged parent that shows genuine interest in their child but also promotes independent thought and action. I am not sure if there is a book on that, and if there is I'm not sure I'd read. I know what kind of parent I want to be so I will thrive to be that. God knows what she needs and he will give me the tools I need to parent her the way he wants me to. My job is to trust him and grow in him and pray that in doing so she will too. Right now she knows she is loved, so very loved.
There is a lot of fear in parenting, I am really not immune. Bringing a child up in this world is not for the faint of heart, it is terrifying. Not only is this world filled with scary things, mixed up people, and difficult situations but, as a parent I am merely a human being which means I will inevitably mess up. What if I break her? Every so often when she is sleeping and before I go to bed I have to put my hand softly on her chest just to make sure she is still breathing. Yes, I can sometimes be slightly paranoid. Being responsible for the life of another wee and powerless human being is terrifying.
That said, one can't live in fear...even when they are responsible for a whole other human being. Every evening when putting her to bed I have to trust that God will keep her safe while she sleeps. That her lungs will be strong and her body will be safe. The first month we were so cautious, Ben was so careful but, we can't tip toe around forever.
I guess what I am saying is, yes I am terrified sometimes but, I know that I'm doing my best and that for everywhere I am lacking God will be there to help me along. I wont be perfect, and she wont be perfect but we don't strive for perfection, we strive to be the best we can be, to better ourselves and improve upon ourselves. What is the point in stressing over things I have no control over anyway. I will do my best, because my best is all I can do.
We will continue doing are best and I am sure our best will get better with time but, at the moment she is thriving and we are all pretty darn happy. I have given up being anxious because it doesn't help any of us. I am sure there will be many more moments of fear but they will pass, what matters is how we react. I choose to learn from it what I can and with the rest, let it go. Hopefully as she grows I will be able to keep this mind set, I'll let you know more about fear when she is 18.
P.S. Could someone smart tell me how to get ride of that silly "image has been moved or deleted" thing at the bottom of my post? I am getting rather annoyed with it.
